If I’ve learned anything in my mature 22.5 years, it’s that wine solves all problems. Well, maybe not all. But It sure numbs the pain.
Here are ten things wine has taught me…
Casual acquaintances are made into lifelong friends over a bottle of wine.
Crying out your feelings when you’re sad or stressed just seems so much more effective with a glass of red in your hand.
I AM Olivia Pope when I drink red wine and eat popcorn. No, really, I am. Trust me. I’m a gladiator. (Sidenote: Please tell me I wasn’t the only person who bought something from The Limited’s “Scandal Collection” just because it made you one step closer to being Liv?)
Everyone is prettier when I’m drinking wine. Now I’m not talking about the beer-goggle effect where everyone you see in the bar looks good enough to go home with. I’m talking pretty. When I drink wine, my friends are gorgeous. When I drink wine, I am the queen of taking that gorgeous to a new level and giving makeovers. Don’t believe me? I’m on my first glass. Give me two more and I’ll change your life with a smokey eye.
I absolutely, without a doubt, need everything QVC is trying to sell me. I’m not kidding, it is necessary for me to get that 14k gold, braided necklace. No, I will not look like your friendly neighborhood gangster. I will look classy as fuck. Frankly, how did I live without it. And in the mean time, sign me up for auto-delivery of 10 Kansas City sirloin steaks and potatoes. IT’S SUCH A DOGGONE BARGAIN. Who can say no to that?! I may be a vegetarian, but I know a good deal when I see what. Thanks, QVC!
I’m a great dancer. I know what you’re thinking, everyone thinks alcohol makes them a better dancer. But I’ve got talent. Just ask my neighbors, on a Tuesday night at 8:30pm when I’m jamming alone with a glass of pinot and the Backstreet Boys serenading me. And while we’re at it, I’m also a great singer.
A box of wine is NEVER the answer. You will all need to trust me on this one. It always goes a bit like this…You’re wandering through Rite Aid on a Monday afternoon, shopping for mascara and wine. Then you come upon the display with the cutest boxes of wine. Think about the convenience and bargain you’re getting by buying the equivalent of 4 bottles in one! And it dispenses from a spout! Brilliant! Here’s the twist…that spout dispenses evil. A bottle of wine shows you how much you’re drinking. The box seems like Mary Poppins Purse of Wine and suddenly you’ve gone through the equivalent of two and a half bottles of cheap wine. Let’s all take a moment and think about that headache the next day. Do yourself a favor and just buy the bottle.
It’s fun to put fruit in wine and pretend you’re fancy. Some call it a lovely addition to brunch, I call it breakfast in a glass.
There is nothing in the world that is more fun than sitting around gossiping with a good friend and good wine.
Someone needs to give me and merlot a shot at world peace. I’ve never met a problem that couldn’t be solved by wine. And I don’t want to live in a world where wine is not the answer.
There you have it. Please hold all judgements until I’ve opened another bottle.